This would be one of the most crucial lessons to learn and practice in life. At least, this is my opinion. I am working hard on myself to get this one more firmly in my mind, and even with all the work, the wrong type of emotions manage to slip in sometimes. It is, of course, understandable, as I would not wish to control every single thought process…

Yet, I do still meet and interact with people who haven’t even started working on this very essential skill.

This essential skill is the ability to detach yourself from random emotions or reactions you experience, which do not serve you well and for all sorts of reasons, are considered to be the “wrong type” of thoughts.

I know, I know – it’s more than a bit strange to tag thoughts as “right type” and “wrong type” but there is a good explanation for it. The “wrong type” of thoughts (which lead to emotions and reactions that are non beneficial for you) are the thoughts that have been generated by your habitual defense mechanisms and distorted map.

Now, as we all know, in NLP, we define the internal map as the re-representation of the world around us, as we perceive “second hand” through the senses. The senses send some information inside, then it is being processed by more than a few mechanisms (among which, are also your psychological defense mechanisms) and then you “feel” and “think”. Therefore, your thoughts and feelings are your interpretation of reality and not the experience itself objectively.

These mechanisms are habits that you have formed, mostly if not always subconsciously, from the time you were born until this very day.

This is normal. This is the way it works. But it doesn’t have to be the way you are being sabotaged and limited by your past.

The psychological defense mechanisms are not recognized in NLP, but we did learn them in Hypnotherapy trainings, so they should be at least considered when you come to work on yourself or on others.

For example, a psychological defense mechanism would be the Passive-Aggressive reaction… in fact, any reaction that utilize the Fight/Flight instinct can be considered a defense mechanism, and if it is not serving you well – it is a sabotaging one.

We’re not a proper psychology website, so you can look for more information on these in psychology literature.

The most effective way I know of to make your mind more peaceful in times like “these” (times in which you are fighting with yourself through emotional rages or mental scenes), is to practice and use wisely the skill of detachment.

That skill is what being a grown up is all about. When you can detach yourself, you are becoming objective almost instantly. The emotion (emotion = energy set in motion) that does not serve you well, that does not comply to reality (i.e. comes from YOUR interpretation of reality and not from the experience itself) – loses its hold and effect on your logic and mental state, and you can evaluate it “like a mature person”.

As far as the tools of NLP are involved – the best and most frequent NLP tool to practice detachment through, is OBVIOUSLY – the tool of dissociation.

Dissociating yourself, temporarily, from the emotion is easy and is known in psychology for a long time now – simply pretend the emotion is leaving your body and is taking some visual form (whatever distorted image you’d choose intuitively) and is being sited on a chair in the middle of your room, right within your reach and control.

The emotion is “locked” now in an objective position. It is still IN your body but OUT of control.

I know that you might be thinking – “this is not real, it is like faking the real life”. Well, you’re wrong. Sorry, but there’s no gentle way to say it – you are already faking it, faking the real life. You are already pretending to know what is really going on, acting and behaving and feeling all the thoughts, emotions and behaviors that are simply WRONG. That’s why there are more than 1 description of a shared experience. That’s why, some people enjoy the party and some can’t stand it. That’s why your relationship with your spouse seem to you like one thing and for him/her it is a completely different experience.

Detachment, however, is what makes us human. That’s why we live in chaos, and still manage to survive.