Now we’re getting into stuff they teach you in the master practitioner course. That’s why I said way back that it is not exactly the tipical NLP course you could take elsewhere. We’re mixing everything so that you won’t have to remember words like “sensory aquity” or check yourself whether you’ve established the 7th rule of rapport or the 12th of the Milton model. 

We spent quite some time in getting all of us unblocked from the old myth, that NLP is what it is said in one book or another, that a trainer is not a prophet and that flexibility means that you challenge even the ultimate known lies which seem right on paper but have no grip in reality. 

We have also discussed some ideas about personal change, about the Swish obviously and about letting yourself to be changed instead of forcing a temporary “improvement” which usually does not last longer than the time it takes you to brush your teeth. 

Now, while you’re practicing and pondering on the ideas of the last 10 or so lessons, we can get into a more complicated area, which deals with changing other people. 

To change another person you do exactly the same thing we learned about personal change – just outwards. 

It means, and please highlight the following sentence, that – in order to change another person, you have to let him/her be changed without forcing a temporary “improvement” upon them… or, more accurately, let them fall down their own hill instead of shoving them through your own hill. 

We complete such a desire by using one specific skill that no living creature can live without. In biology they call it “evolution” or “natural choice”, either you change and fit yourself to the environment or you do not survive. In NLP, we call it (yes, again), flexibility. 

In dealing with other people, we use a reflective flexibility. It means, that we don’t go after them using our own inner worlds, but we take it much easier. We wait, we absorb, we listen, we analyze and we then erase everything we have calculated about the other person and see him/her as is. Then, we respond. By responding, we mean with flexibility – knowing that our response will lead the other person into his own internal world, full with messages, memories and time stamps we are not even aware of… therefore, those time stamps were not included in our calculations about that person. 

To sum the confusing paragraph above, we are always wrong about the other person. Always. It doesn’t matter if you think good or bad about them, you are always wrong in calculating their true personality. 

Since you’re always wrong about the other person, you certainly couldn’t anticipate every possible response and have the “right” answer that will lead that person into a change. 

That should be the first lesson in any therapy school – you’re always wrong about your client and you can never say the exact right things that will lead to a change – with that intention in mind. 

If you want to influence another person, you have to let them fall their own hills. You also have to let them aim their own angle, because when you force your own, they will blame you for the rough fall, the challenges they couldn’t handle and the failures that made them quit. 

Now, how much information do you need to know about the other person in order to influence or persuade them and let them become changed? 

None. You don’t even have to know their name, or ever see them. 

Turn around your inner eye and look at yourself for a brief moment. If you have ever been influenced by a commercial, a song, an email, a conversation you heard on the street or just a tiny thank you note you’ve got from someone you didn’t expect – so many time stamps are out there lying all around in your past, and you’d be able to find and mark so many that have shaped your current personality, beliefs and actions. Most, if not all, of your most important and emotional time stamps are those in which you have let the world touch you and change you. 

That’s very different than the approach of obsessive control – knowing it all, learning it all, controlling every bit of incoming message and analyzing or rationalizing your way to personal change. 

Communication, either with yourself or others, is not an accurate science. I will share with you plenty of successful strategies I’ve used myself and those that I’ve learned from others – but it is not a guarantee that they will work for you. Unless!!! Unless you use flexibility. 

And changing others is also not about creating a shock, through which someone must change. We don’t change others by traumatizing them! They might change into a Dr. Jackal or Mr. Hide, we don’t know… too dangerous, in my opinion, because one of them might come back at you and play their own twisted games to shock you. In every nation there’s a different word for a shock, we say “Boom”, the Germans say “Trrrrrrsh” (they have built Mercedes, so who cares right?).

We change others by learning to respond in a non-directive way. People, and I’m included if not the first, do not like to be given orders. They do like to have their own thoughts and ideas. Even if you think about yourself, you can surely notice, that if you had an idea that you thought was a good one – you’d at least try it once or twice, or even try to persuade others to try it out. 

That’s the trick – if you get the other person to come up with an idea, without telling that idea right away, and they would think it’s their own idea… they’ll change. You’d get what you wanted without forcing a person to change just for you. 

That’s what you do when you go about changing yourself. You let yourself to be changed instead of forcing it. You leave all the options open, and when you least expect it – it happens. You fall down the hill, just like a snowball, collecting momentum and mass all the way down. 

The highest return ratio of purchased products is in those forced selling teams. You sit in front of the TV, it’s Friday 1am and they force you to think their product is good and that you need it. You buy it. You get it, you might even give it a chance, and then for some reason you have the urge to send it back… the highest return ratio is the pain in the neck of those companies. 

The lowest is within those direct marketing strategies, such as the “cover stories” where they give you plenty of testimonials (social proof), plenty of scientific facts (logic) and not even one line with “buy now” (forced sale)… they make you think about their product without you being aware of it. Even the worst product can be sold with the least return ratio, because those who bought will still believe they have invested well… they’ll even adjust their comfort with the product because of their belief. 

Down the hill… 

There are numerous strategies to accomplish such an easy task – making others come up with your ideas as if it was theirs. I think that the best way to teach at least some of them (because we’ll need years before we could cover all), is to make it as practical as possible. 

So we’ll soon announce a new feature in NLP Weekly… but it’s a secret, so keep it quiet!

Before You Go…

Having plenty of time stamps noted is almost essential for you to learn how to influence yourself and others. I would advise you to take advantage of our “Personal Journey” forum and use it as often as you can. The more complicated we’d get, the more you’ll notice how others have influenced you all through the past and how you can use those time stamps to influence others in the present. 

And…

Another Last Note

Please use the information we share with you for good deeds only. It is so easy to harm other people, that I would not want to think I made a mistake in sharing so many powerful ideas without making some filtering. 

The reason I’m saying it is of course not because I suspect you or anything (hmmm… well…), but I had the strangest experience here in the Czech Republic a couple of weeks ago. I saw a person in the main square not far from here, standing and preaching in English… since there aren’t many people around here who are fluent in English, I went there to listen. He tried to sell “seduction” seminars, and since I knew there are at least some people who use the word NLP in conjunction with the word “seduction”, I took a flyer… to my greatest surprise, as a testimonial and a “reference” he put nlpweekly.com. 

He also used one of the hypnotic scripts we posted here as a sales script…

Since I know about flexibility and had to respond, I took out my driving license and showed my name. Then I said something like, “you know, since you learned so much from me I’m pretty sure you’d want to hear this: most of the people I met, who needed to use dirty tricks to get laid, found themselves down and mellow when they had to perform. And you tell me yourself tomorrow, I’ll be here again, after you conquer the next beautiful Czech girl, if during your performance you look down and it is not only mellow but yellow… ”

I haven’t met him again. 

So please, don’t let me run into you on the street, or better yet – all of those great people in our forum who feel the same, we’re not that ethical when it comes to…